My best friend's mom tried to kill herself. I want to be there for him, because he is really close to her, but I don't know what to do or how to be there for him in this kind of situation.
Dear Friend,
That's a tough situation. He has to be going through lots of emotions right now. He's going to have to process his emotions, even with his mother. This might require professional counseling and unless you have the training you can't do that. What you can do is listen when he talks, never judge how he feels or even assume he'll feel a certain way about things. His feelings will change as he processes how he feels. So, even if you think it's ridiculous what he's saying, just listen and accept. Also, just be there as a friend if he doesn't want to talk about it.
Remind him often that he is loved, needed and has value. The attempted suicide could have left him feeling inadequate to be loved and lived for, so it could help him to know that isn't true. However, he might not feel that way at all. You just have to sit and be willing to listen to anything he says even if it's crazy or scary.
Keep an eye on him too. Depression, which leads to suicide, often runs in families and trauma like this can be a catalyst for depression.
Just be there with love!
Love,
Your Coach
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Kids Using Drugs
Dear Coach,
What are good punishments for your children that are caught drinking, smoking pot, or doing any other type of drugs? How do I get through to my children that all of these things are bad and can lead to other and more serious things?
Mom in Need
Dear Friend,
Yikes. That is a scary situation for any mom and it would be so difficult if not impossible to not freak out. With that said, that’s what I’m going to ask you to do. Do not freak out or your kids will write you off as, “Oh brother, mom’s just freaking out about nothing again.” Stay calm, but be absolutely serious, to the point of being scary. After you find out, take the necessary time to regain your composure before freaking out. Even if that means just giving them a temporary grounding until you decide on the appropriate punishment. Once you’re calm sit down and talk with them. Find an emotionally safe place for both (or all three if there are two parents in the picture) of you and simply ask them what is going on and what motivated them to partake in the specific substance. Be calm, loving and understanding of their answers. They might express pain that they’re trying to escape from, they could just be trying to fit in or perhaps it was just a momentary lapse in judgment. Be understanding of how they’re feeling. Of course you know better since you’ve been through it all in your life, but they are trying to find new ground in their life. Help them find alternatives if they are using the drugs to fulfill a need.
As for letting them know how serious drugs and alcohol can be let them know your feelings. Don’t get crazy emotional on them, but just be very specific about how their decisions impact you and what you’re afraid of happening to them. Tell them the serious consequences you’ve seen happen from drug abuse in your life. Don’t admit your own history of drug use (this will only give them permission), but do share in the things you’ve seen happen to friends or family. The more serious and traumatizing the better to get through to them. If the problem is more serious with your child there are scared straight programs in many communities. Expose them to the consequences and be sure the consequences are fair. If they end up in jail do not immediately bail them out. Let them stay for a night and see how they like it. Just as it is with us adults some will learn better from the experience of others and some will have to learn the hard way.
Just remember to always love your child and give them support in their learning process, but do not enable their destructive behaviors.
Much love,
Your Coach
What are good punishments for your children that are caught drinking, smoking pot, or doing any other type of drugs? How do I get through to my children that all of these things are bad and can lead to other and more serious things?
Mom in Need
Dear Friend,
Yikes. That is a scary situation for any mom and it would be so difficult if not impossible to not freak out. With that said, that’s what I’m going to ask you to do. Do not freak out or your kids will write you off as, “Oh brother, mom’s just freaking out about nothing again.” Stay calm, but be absolutely serious, to the point of being scary. After you find out, take the necessary time to regain your composure before freaking out. Even if that means just giving them a temporary grounding until you decide on the appropriate punishment. Once you’re calm sit down and talk with them. Find an emotionally safe place for both (or all three if there are two parents in the picture) of you and simply ask them what is going on and what motivated them to partake in the specific substance. Be calm, loving and understanding of their answers. They might express pain that they’re trying to escape from, they could just be trying to fit in or perhaps it was just a momentary lapse in judgment. Be understanding of how they’re feeling. Of course you know better since you’ve been through it all in your life, but they are trying to find new ground in their life. Help them find alternatives if they are using the drugs to fulfill a need.
As for letting them know how serious drugs and alcohol can be let them know your feelings. Don’t get crazy emotional on them, but just be very specific about how their decisions impact you and what you’re afraid of happening to them. Tell them the serious consequences you’ve seen happen from drug abuse in your life. Don’t admit your own history of drug use (this will only give them permission), but do share in the things you’ve seen happen to friends or family. The more serious and traumatizing the better to get through to them. If the problem is more serious with your child there are scared straight programs in many communities. Expose them to the consequences and be sure the consequences are fair. If they end up in jail do not immediately bail them out. Let them stay for a night and see how they like it. Just as it is with us adults some will learn better from the experience of others and some will have to learn the hard way.
Just remember to always love your child and give them support in their learning process, but do not enable their destructive behaviors.
Much love,
Your Coach
Monday, May 24, 2010
Inexperienced Lover
Dear Coach,
I'm seeing a guy who is pretty conservative in the bedroom. I am the exact opposite and get bored very easily. How can I address this with him?
Thanks!
Dear Friend,
I'm seeing a guy who is pretty conservative in the bedroom. I am the exact opposite and get bored very easily. How can I address this with him?
Thanks!
Dear Friend,
Well, you need to tell him. Don't make this about something he's not doing or that he's not good enough. The fact you know that you get bored easily means he is not the problem, so be sure you remember that and be sure when you speak to him that he knows that too. Have this conversation at a non sexual time. Don't wait to head to the bedroom and then speak to him about it. Do it over dinner, or while driving in the car somewhere. Just be sure you have enough time for a full conversation. More than 15 minutes at least. Reassure him that this isn't about him, but that you just need a little something more. Understand though that if he truly is conservative he might not be into tricks and games in the bedroom. That might be too weird for him. Work together to find ways to make this work for both of you.
**I hope that by "seeing" you mean that you're in a committed relationship. I highly recommend against flings, booty calls, or casual sex. It's not good for our emotions and our soul. It puts you in a vulnerable place that might be hard to get away from when you decide you're done.**Much Love,
Your Coach
Friday, May 21, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Suspended Child
Dear Coach,
My child got suspended from school today, he said because he was defending his bother from a group of kids who jump on him. I ask my other son and his also back-up the story. I just want to say that my son is very clam mellow child and has never gotten in trouble before. My question is on one hand I do not want punish him for standing up for his brother but on the other hand I do not want to give him the idea that it is ok to get suspended from school. Coach how do I handle this matter?
Thank You
Dear Friend,
This is a very delicate situation. I remember being in school and thinking that suspension was just a forced vacation. How could that be bad? You don't want to punish him for standing up for his brother, but he needs to know that suspension is not a good thing. As a parent this will take more effort on your part, but hopefully it will prevent him from getting into more suspensions. First, have an honest talk with him about what he did that was right (standing up for his brother) and what he did that wasn't right (fighting or whatever behavior that caused the suspension). Talk about how to handle this situation in the future to do what is right, but not to be violent or do those things that will lead to suspensions.
During his suspension you have to take away the vacation element. He should still be waking up at the same time and going to bed at the same usual time. When he would normally be at school he should be doing his school work so he doesn't get behind. If he has completed all of his school work for a given day then he can read the appropriate chapters in his texts books or do additional problems that weren't originally assigned by the teacher. If there is no more school work to do I would suggest taking him to the library to find a book to read. Absolutely no TV or video games during the day. If you're doing work around the house then he can help with that too.
If he normally consumes a lot of violent TV, movies or video games then put an end to that for a time. Take away that negative influence so he can see that it's not acceptable in your home. All of this doesn't have to be a punishment on top of the suspension, but it shouldn't be a vacation either.
Much Love,
Your Coach
My child got suspended from school today, he said because he was defending his bother from a group of kids who jump on him. I ask my other son and his also back-up the story. I just want to say that my son is very clam mellow child and has never gotten in trouble before. My question is on one hand I do not want punish him for standing up for his brother but on the other hand I do not want to give him the idea that it is ok to get suspended from school. Coach how do I handle this matter?
Thank You
Dear Friend,
This is a very delicate situation. I remember being in school and thinking that suspension was just a forced vacation. How could that be bad? You don't want to punish him for standing up for his brother, but he needs to know that suspension is not a good thing. As a parent this will take more effort on your part, but hopefully it will prevent him from getting into more suspensions. First, have an honest talk with him about what he did that was right (standing up for his brother) and what he did that wasn't right (fighting or whatever behavior that caused the suspension). Talk about how to handle this situation in the future to do what is right, but not to be violent or do those things that will lead to suspensions.
During his suspension you have to take away the vacation element. He should still be waking up at the same time and going to bed at the same usual time. When he would normally be at school he should be doing his school work so he doesn't get behind. If he has completed all of his school work for a given day then he can read the appropriate chapters in his texts books or do additional problems that weren't originally assigned by the teacher. If there is no more school work to do I would suggest taking him to the library to find a book to read. Absolutely no TV or video games during the day. If you're doing work around the house then he can help with that too.
If he normally consumes a lot of violent TV, movies or video games then put an end to that for a time. Take away that negative influence so he can see that it's not acceptable in your home. All of this doesn't have to be a punishment on top of the suspension, but it shouldn't be a vacation either.
Much Love,
Your Coach
Monday, May 17, 2010
Difficult Boss
Dear Coach,
I am fairly new to my job and I have trouble relating to my boss. They are pretty hot-headed at times, especially when I missed something or something isn't going as they had planned. There are times when we are able to joke about things together, but most of the time I feel timid about talking to them about anything. This creates two problems: 1) I never feel like I can talk to them about anything, including job related things and 2) whenever something bad happens I feel I need to cover it up so that they don't yell at me. I really don't want to be working for this person for too much longer, and I plan to find something new after I've been here long enough to say "I'm moving on." But what do I do until then to make things go more smoothly for both of us?
I am fairly new to my job and I have trouble relating to my boss. They are pretty hot-headed at times, especially when I missed something or something isn't going as they had planned. There are times when we are able to joke about things together, but most of the time I feel timid about talking to them about anything. This creates two problems: 1) I never feel like I can talk to them about anything, including job related things and 2) whenever something bad happens I feel I need to cover it up so that they don't yell at me. I really don't want to be working for this person for too much longer, and I plan to find something new after I've been here long enough to say "I'm moving on." But what do I do until then to make things go more smoothly for both of us?
Thanks in advance,
Dumped On
Dear Friend,
It sounds like you're kind of getting beaten around at your office. When you're continually beaten down it can cause a loss in self-esteem. My first recommendation would be to find away inside or outside of work to reclaim that confidence. The better you feel about yourself and that you're doing the best job possible then the less likely you are to take things personally. Another way of dealing with the abusive treatment is to develop a tough skin where you don't even let the negative in so it can't impact you. Of course that is easier said than done, but you have to choose if you want to even acknowledge how your boss is treating you.
Another thing to note is that you said you're just waiting for a short while longer until you can leave. If this is less than a year then just remember it's only temporary. This is a stepping stone in your career. Anyone can do anything for a short time. Imagine this as your attempt to walk on coals. If you just stay focused on the end then it won't hurt too much at all. However, if you have a longer time frame or the situation becomes worse then I suggest you speaking to your boss' boss or to the HR department. They should be able to speak to your boss and tone down the situation.
Of course, if it's a mild situation then the best approach to this is to just sit down and speak to your boss. Let them know how you're feeling and that you really are trying your best. It's likely your boss is under a lot of pressure and doesn't even realize that they're putting that on you. A lot more can be solved through open communication than silent suffering.
Just do your best and be confident in the work you're doing.
Much Love,
Your Coach
Dear Friend,
It sounds like you're kind of getting beaten around at your office. When you're continually beaten down it can cause a loss in self-esteem. My first recommendation would be to find away inside or outside of work to reclaim that confidence. The better you feel about yourself and that you're doing the best job possible then the less likely you are to take things personally. Another way of dealing with the abusive treatment is to develop a tough skin where you don't even let the negative in so it can't impact you. Of course that is easier said than done, but you have to choose if you want to even acknowledge how your boss is treating you.
Another thing to note is that you said you're just waiting for a short while longer until you can leave. If this is less than a year then just remember it's only temporary. This is a stepping stone in your career. Anyone can do anything for a short time. Imagine this as your attempt to walk on coals. If you just stay focused on the end then it won't hurt too much at all. However, if you have a longer time frame or the situation becomes worse then I suggest you speaking to your boss' boss or to the HR department. They should be able to speak to your boss and tone down the situation.
Of course, if it's a mild situation then the best approach to this is to just sit down and speak to your boss. Let them know how you're feeling and that you really are trying your best. It's likely your boss is under a lot of pressure and doesn't even realize that they're putting that on you. A lot more can be solved through open communication than silent suffering.
Just do your best and be confident in the work you're doing.
Much Love,
Your Coach
Friday, May 14, 2010
Embarrassing Moments
This blog was started to help us all share in our relationship troubles; to know we're not alone out there as we struggle day to day. Something we thought could be fun and help us all realize how much we're alike in our relationships was to share an embarrassing moment in a relationship. So, we ask:
What is your most embarrassing relationship moment? Or even just a funny embarrassing moment and how did things turn out?
Much Love,
Your Coach
P.S. You can post a comment as yourself or you can post it as anonymous if you would like.
What is your most embarrassing relationship moment? Or even just a funny embarrassing moment and how did things turn out?
Much Love,
Your Coach
P.S. You can post a comment as yourself or you can post it as anonymous if you would like.
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