Tall Girl, Short Guy

Dear Coach,

I'm a 6 foot tall single woman. Most men that I date tell me that they don't care about my height, even if I am taller than them, but for some reason, I care. I don't want to care, especially if the men are comfortable being shorter than me, but I can't help it. I want to be with someone who is taller and bigger than me, I want to feel protected and small. Am I wrong to feel this way? How do I put more focus on who the man is and less on his size?

-Too Tall to Date

Dear Friend,

Oh darling! Be proud of your height. Not all of us were blessed with much so enjoy it. You are definitely not wrong to feel that way. As women, we want to feel dainty and delicate. We also want to feel like our man can protect us from evildoers. And somehow his ability to protect us comes from his size so he needs to be bigger than us. My husband isn't even as tall as you, but I feel save because he's bigger than me. It's strange how that works, but it's just the way it is.

If you are interested in a shorter man that's fine too. But it does appear you still want to be the lady in the relationship and not feel like a big burly man compared to him. If I'm right just make sure he fulfills your need to feel protected. Be sure he won't jump behind you if an attacker comes. Either look for men who are larger than you physically or men that have a larger personality. Someone who will stand up for you in a fight and won't back down in fear. No matter the size of the right man just be sure you feel safe when he's around. Then it just might be right.

Much Love,
Your Coach

Micro Managing Boss

Dear Coach,

I met my current boss about ten years ago (I was 15) when I started volunteering for a few programs she ran. Over the years I have worked for her in a variety of positions, eventually working my way up to managing one of the programs she oversees. While she clearly trusts me enough to put me in this position, I feel like she still sees me as the uneducated, naive 15 year old she used to know. She micromanages every little thing that I do and power struggles with me over every decision I make. How do I properly approach her about this? Or should it not be brought up?

From, Micromanaged

Dear friend,

I would say take it as a compliment that she trusts you so much. Even if her day-to-day actions don't show that she appreciates you then know that her level of trust in you does show that. If you have this great working relationship then I totally suggest talking to her about it. Perhaps it's in her personality to micromanage everyone and you'll just have to get used to it, but if it's bothering you or hurting your feelings then it's time to say something. Here are some tips to help this go over smoothly and productively with her.

• Don't do it when you're really ticked off with her. Wait until a neutral time presents itself to speak with her about it. Or take her out to lunch to have some private peaceful time to bring up the issue.
• Stay on topic. If necessary write down some bullet points of the issue so you don't get distracted by the emotions likely to come up for you or her.
• Explain your feelings. Don't blame this on her, but let her know how you feel when she does certain things. Use the word "I" and not "You" to explain the situation.
• Provide Examples. You might need to prepare a few examples of the things that bother you so she'll be able to recall the behaviors. She might not even know she does it, so if you give her specific examples then she'll be able to understand what it is that you'd like her to fix.
• End on a positive note of what is working. Let her know that you appreciate her trust in you.

Just know that this conversation might make things a bit awkward for a little while, but as you continue to work together things should smooth out. Good luck!

Much love,
your coach

Thank You!

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Directions for Sex

Dear Coach,

When it comes to sex, I know my body very well. I know what works and what doesn't and I'm not very shy about helping a new guy out and giving him directions. I recently slept with a guy I've been dating for a few months and when I helped him out with verbal cuing he kept apologizing and said he was "off his game". I tried telling him that he did great and I just know women's bodies are all different and getting a woman to orgasm takes a lot more work than getting a man to but I think he took my directions as criticism. He has been avoiding physical intimacy with me ever since. How do I help him to understand that I was not criticizing him, I was just trying to help?

-Confused by directions-


Dear Friend,

First, I will say that men acquire some of their self esteem from their sexual prowess. They feel better about themselves when they know how to please a woman. They often don't realize that all women are different too. What works for one, might not work for another. And women are entirely different than men. We just take more time than men do.
It is more than likely his apologizing came from his new found insecurity. Either he's always been insecure about it or he's never met a woman so secure and confident in bed as you are. Maybe he'd tried all his tricks, but nothing was working for you so he felt like a failure. Perhaps no woman has ever just told him what to do so he felt insecure for not knowing what to do. This is his issue, but you can help him get through it.

To help him you need to sit down at a non sexual time and let him know you've noticed him pulling away ever since that one time. Ask him directly if it's something you did and then discuss how it can be better next time. Perhaps he'd prefer the directions before he's on the road and lost. We're all a lot less vulnerable when we have our clothes on, so that's a good time to talk about it. Also, let him know what he did that worked, what he did right and that you enjoyed your time with him and look forward to more of the same with him.

Sex is a two way street so see what works for him and what doesn't. Through talking it over he'll eventually see that you care and it's not about you criticizing, but trying to enjoy the experience with him.

Much love,
Your Coach

Controlling Guy Problem

Dear Coach,

I have this friend who has a crush on me. He has had a crush on me for about 8 years now and is very open about it. He is a very nice, sweet guy but, no matter how hard I try, I just don't like him as more than a friend. I still want to be his friend but lately, every time we hang out he tries to act like we are dating (ie: holding my hand, wrapping his arm around my shoulders or hips when walking, kissing me goodbye, etc.). I have told him, very bluntly, many times that I want to just be friends yet he continues these things. Is there a way to get this across to him besides flat out ignoring him?

Sincerely,
Girl with a guy problem


Dear Friend,

This guy makes me nervous for you. He sounds really pushy and controlling. Is he trying to trick you into a relationship with him or just force it on you? The fact that it's been 8 years and he's still after you is a bit concerning. Does he have nothing going on in his life? How has he not met other women he'd be interested in before? Although you want to be nice and be friends with him I'd suggest completely cutting him out of your life. He's not hearing your words so let him see your actions and know that it's not going to happen. As hard as it is to be forceful with people this time it's necessary. Before he becomes too controlling stay away from him and cut off all connection. He's not the right one for you and that's okay. Do this for yourself!

Much love,
Your Coach

Lover of Old Men

Dear Coach,

I tend to date men who are much older than me (I am 25); sometimes ten or even fifteen years older than me. I'm not at all opposed to dating men around my age, I simply don't bond as well with them. I think I am fairly mature for my age and I simply feel more comfortable conversing and finding a connection with older men. My friends find this very weird and are hesitant to "hang out" with us. Is there something wrong with this age difference that I'm not seeing? How can I help my friends to feel more comfortable with these situations?

Dear Friend,

Friends your age are not likely to accept this huge age difference because it's not traditional. It's totally okay for you to date who you feel comfortable with, but that doesn't mean your friends have to love him too. It's likely that this age difference makes them feel like they're hanging out with someone their parents’ age or at least what feels like their parents age. Another hang up dating someone that age is that their tastes and interests are different than those of people your age. That large of an age difference creates generational differences. Enjoy the people you want to, but be aware of the pitfalls of dating an older man. If he's the right guy then your friends will come around. Just remember you're into older guys and they're not.

Much love,
Your Coach

Sisters

Dear Coach,

I love my little sister. But lately I've noticed that her life is everything I've ever wanted, and mine isn't. She has a wonderful husband and after 2 years of marriage they are still in the 'honeymoon' phase. She owns two of her own businesses, something I've only dreamed about. She is beautiful and skinny, assertive and strong. I could go on... It doesn't ever bother me that her life is my ideal when we are hanging out, so I haven't seen it affect our relationship. But I'm worried it might. It seems to bother me most when I am struggling with the things that are the opposite in my life. Is there something I can do so my jealously doesn't grow or continue to hurt me?

Signed, Growing Increasingly Jealous


Dear Friend,

You can’t always control your emotions nor predict when they might pop up. At this point it’s a positive sign you’re aware of your jealousy. Try to remember that you’re wonderful and talented. You have many great qualities that make you who you are. It’s very possible that as perfect as her life seems there are reasons she might even be jealous of you. Also, her life might not be as happy and perfect as it seems. If you let your jealousy grow you won’t be able to be there for her when something bad happens. A business could fail or she could have marital problems. If you’re caught up in the comparisons you won’t be able to support her and help her through it.

It appears to me also that your jealousy might stem from some insecurities of your own. Work towards finding those things in life that fulfill you and give you pride. The better you feel about yourself the less you’ll have reason to compare yourself to her. Cherish your sister and be grateful for the relationship you have. Jealousy will pop up at times, but try to remember what is most important in your life.

Much love,
Your Coach