Dear Coach,
I tend to date men who are much older than me (I am 25); sometimes ten or even fifteen years older than me. I'm not at all opposed to dating men around my age, I simply don't bond as well with them. I think I am fairly mature for my age and I simply feel more comfortable conversing and finding a connection with older men. My friends find this very weird and are hesitant to "hang out" with us. Is there something wrong with this age difference that I'm not seeing? How can I help my friends to feel more comfortable with these situations?
Dear Friend,
Friends your age are not likely to accept this huge age difference because it's not traditional. It's totally okay for you to date who you feel comfortable with, but that doesn't mean your friends have to love him too. It's likely that this age difference makes them feel like they're hanging out with someone their parents’ age or at least what feels like their parents age. Another hang up dating someone that age is that their tastes and interests are different than those of people your age. That large of an age difference creates generational differences. Enjoy the people you want to, but be aware of the pitfalls of dating an older man. If he's the right guy then your friends will come around. Just remember you're into older guys and they're not.
Much love,
Your Coach
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sisters
Dear Coach,
I love my little sister. But lately I've noticed that her life is everything I've ever wanted, and mine isn't. She has a wonderful husband and after 2 years of marriage they are still in the 'honeymoon' phase. She owns two of her own businesses, something I've only dreamed about. She is beautiful and skinny, assertive and strong. I could go on... It doesn't ever bother me that her life is my ideal when we are hanging out, so I haven't seen it affect our relationship. But I'm worried it might. It seems to bother me most when I am struggling with the things that are the opposite in my life. Is there something I can do so my jealously doesn't grow or continue to hurt me?
Signed, Growing Increasingly Jealous
Dear Friend,
You can’t always control your emotions nor predict when they might pop up. At this point it’s a positive sign you’re aware of your jealousy. Try to remember that you’re wonderful and talented. You have many great qualities that make you who you are. It’s very possible that as perfect as her life seems there are reasons she might even be jealous of you. Also, her life might not be as happy and perfect as it seems. If you let your jealousy grow you won’t be able to be there for her when something bad happens. A business could fail or she could have marital problems. If you’re caught up in the comparisons you won’t be able to support her and help her through it.
It appears to me also that your jealousy might stem from some insecurities of your own. Work towards finding those things in life that fulfill you and give you pride. The better you feel about yourself the less you’ll have reason to compare yourself to her. Cherish your sister and be grateful for the relationship you have. Jealousy will pop up at times, but try to remember what is most important in your life.
Much love,
Your Coach
I love my little sister. But lately I've noticed that her life is everything I've ever wanted, and mine isn't. She has a wonderful husband and after 2 years of marriage they are still in the 'honeymoon' phase. She owns two of her own businesses, something I've only dreamed about. She is beautiful and skinny, assertive and strong. I could go on... It doesn't ever bother me that her life is my ideal when we are hanging out, so I haven't seen it affect our relationship. But I'm worried it might. It seems to bother me most when I am struggling with the things that are the opposite in my life. Is there something I can do so my jealously doesn't grow or continue to hurt me?
Signed, Growing Increasingly Jealous
Dear Friend,
You can’t always control your emotions nor predict when they might pop up. At this point it’s a positive sign you’re aware of your jealousy. Try to remember that you’re wonderful and talented. You have many great qualities that make you who you are. It’s very possible that as perfect as her life seems there are reasons she might even be jealous of you. Also, her life might not be as happy and perfect as it seems. If you let your jealousy grow you won’t be able to be there for her when something bad happens. A business could fail or she could have marital problems. If you’re caught up in the comparisons you won’t be able to support her and help her through it.
It appears to me also that your jealousy might stem from some insecurities of your own. Work towards finding those things in life that fulfill you and give you pride. The better you feel about yourself the less you’ll have reason to compare yourself to her. Cherish your sister and be grateful for the relationship you have. Jealousy will pop up at times, but try to remember what is most important in your life.
Much love,
Your Coach
Monday, April 26, 2010
Roommates with Dirty Dishes
Dear Coach,
I live in a house with four other roommates. Amazing fellows, all good friends of mine. From personal experience, who your roommates are completely influences, even determines, how nice of an experience it is living at a place. From that standpoint, things are great. However, the boys, despite all their coolness, all seem to have a hard time keeping things clean. I am not the most organized man in the world, so I'm not expecting or even wanting a completely spic and span place. I just want us all to do our own dishes - it's so easy to keep the sink empty if you just clean off your plate as soon as you are done with it. I've brought this up a number of times, I try to bring it up in a nice way that won't cause any friction in our friendships, but it never sinks in. Dishes in the sink (and throughout the house) remain. I've had it. I find myself wanting to bring it up again, but more angrily so that they can get the message. I am tired of always doing everyone's dishes. So, how do I approach these gentlemen. I was close to blowing up at them, but I realized that maintaining an awesome friendship is way more important than burning a bridge over dirty dishes. Down the road, a friendship with them will remain, where as memories of the dirty dishes will fade. Is there a way, though, to help convince them to do their dishes without burning any bridges?
Sincerely,
Done with their Dirty Dishes
Dear Friend,
Yikes! This is a tough situation. I was more likely on your roommates’ side than yours when I had roommates. I just assumed I’d get to it later. However, as I’ve learned that is not the reality. The reality is we’re different in our level of tolerance toward messes. Some people cannot even sleep if the kitchen is still a mess and others (like myself) can go a couple of days without thinking of doing the dishes. This leaves the clean folks a bit frustrated because you feel like you’re the only one doing anything. The messy people don’t see it as a problem because you’re taking care of it as you see necessary. It’s like having their mom around again.
I suggest having a roommate meeting. At this meeting you’ll need to expressly discuss your feelings and how this makes you feel. Don’t blame them or accuse them of anything. Just explain how it makes you feel. See their responses and brain storm on ways to make it work for all of you. Maybe there will be a compromise on a chore chart or only doing dishes every other day. If you have an honest and open discussion with them then you’ll better be able to come to a conclusion that is agreeable to everyone.
Of course you could deal with this passive aggressively, but then there will be no real solution. Good luck and let me know how it goes.
Much love,
Your coach
coachingrelationships@gmail.com
I live in a house with four other roommates. Amazing fellows, all good friends of mine. From personal experience, who your roommates are completely influences, even determines, how nice of an experience it is living at a place. From that standpoint, things are great. However, the boys, despite all their coolness, all seem to have a hard time keeping things clean. I am not the most organized man in the world, so I'm not expecting or even wanting a completely spic and span place. I just want us all to do our own dishes - it's so easy to keep the sink empty if you just clean off your plate as soon as you are done with it. I've brought this up a number of times, I try to bring it up in a nice way that won't cause any friction in our friendships, but it never sinks in. Dishes in the sink (and throughout the house) remain. I've had it. I find myself wanting to bring it up again, but more angrily so that they can get the message. I am tired of always doing everyone's dishes. So, how do I approach these gentlemen. I was close to blowing up at them, but I realized that maintaining an awesome friendship is way more important than burning a bridge over dirty dishes. Down the road, a friendship with them will remain, where as memories of the dirty dishes will fade. Is there a way, though, to help convince them to do their dishes without burning any bridges?
Sincerely,
Done with their Dirty Dishes
Dear Friend,
Yikes! This is a tough situation. I was more likely on your roommates’ side than yours when I had roommates. I just assumed I’d get to it later. However, as I’ve learned that is not the reality. The reality is we’re different in our level of tolerance toward messes. Some people cannot even sleep if the kitchen is still a mess and others (like myself) can go a couple of days without thinking of doing the dishes. This leaves the clean folks a bit frustrated because you feel like you’re the only one doing anything. The messy people don’t see it as a problem because you’re taking care of it as you see necessary. It’s like having their mom around again.
I suggest having a roommate meeting. At this meeting you’ll need to expressly discuss your feelings and how this makes you feel. Don’t blame them or accuse them of anything. Just explain how it makes you feel. See their responses and brain storm on ways to make it work for all of you. Maybe there will be a compromise on a chore chart or only doing dishes every other day. If you have an honest and open discussion with them then you’ll better be able to come to a conclusion that is agreeable to everyone.
Of course you could deal with this passive aggressively, but then there will be no real solution. Good luck and let me know how it goes.
Much love,
Your coach
coachingrelationships@gmail.com
Friday, April 23, 2010
Married Step-Parents
Dear Coach,
I am married and we both have kids from other marriages, how do I handle the situation of my step children telling me, "You're not my mom! I don't have to do what you say." I have had many occassions where I am stuck and feel that I cannot punish my step children. What should a step-parent do in this situation?
Signed,
Parents of 7 children that actually made it and are still married!!!
Dear Friend,
Congratulations on making it through so far. It will get easier as the family continues to blend. First though I would say that the step-children are right. You are not their mother and they don’t have that infinite bond to you that they do their mother so they don’t care so much if you’re upset with them. Also, their parents’ split was traumatic for them. Kids don’t want to see that. It’s not easy to experience or understand for them.
There are things you can do to help them respect you and your authority. First, build relationships with them. Don’t become friends necessarily, but build a bond of love and trust. They’re scared that they’re going to love you and then you’ll just be out of the picture too. Assure them that isn’t the case. If you don’t feel that way, then work towards that. You need to love them so they can love you. Second, discuss with your husband how he wants this to work. In the beginning he should discipline his children and you yours. If there is a conflict with one of his children discuss it with him as soon as possible and then let him take action. Third, the two of you should be united on what is and is not acceptable for all of the children. Each set of kids should not have different rules if you expect them to live under the same roof. The consequences should be inherent in the “crimes”. So if you say it then they know it’s the consequence their father would give. Then there is no room for argument.
Of course neither parent should allow disrespect from a child to a step-parent. If the parents put a stop to that then the children will eventually follow course. Timing and love are crucial to making this work. Don’t give up too soon!
Much love,
Your Coach
coachingrelationships.blogspot.com
I am married and we both have kids from other marriages, how do I handle the situation of my step children telling me, "You're not my mom! I don't have to do what you say." I have had many occassions where I am stuck and feel that I cannot punish my step children. What should a step-parent do in this situation?
Signed,
Parents of 7 children that actually made it and are still married!!!
Dear Friend,
Congratulations on making it through so far. It will get easier as the family continues to blend. First though I would say that the step-children are right. You are not their mother and they don’t have that infinite bond to you that they do their mother so they don’t care so much if you’re upset with them. Also, their parents’ split was traumatic for them. Kids don’t want to see that. It’s not easy to experience or understand for them.
There are things you can do to help them respect you and your authority. First, build relationships with them. Don’t become friends necessarily, but build a bond of love and trust. They’re scared that they’re going to love you and then you’ll just be out of the picture too. Assure them that isn’t the case. If you don’t feel that way, then work towards that. You need to love them so they can love you. Second, discuss with your husband how he wants this to work. In the beginning he should discipline his children and you yours. If there is a conflict with one of his children discuss it with him as soon as possible and then let him take action. Third, the two of you should be united on what is and is not acceptable for all of the children. Each set of kids should not have different rules if you expect them to live under the same roof. The consequences should be inherent in the “crimes”. So if you say it then they know it’s the consequence their father would give. Then there is no room for argument.
Of course neither parent should allow disrespect from a child to a step-parent. If the parents put a stop to that then the children will eventually follow course. Timing and love are crucial to making this work. Don’t give up too soon!
Much love,
Your Coach
coachingrelationships.blogspot.com
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Commited
Dear Coach,
How long is too long to date someone with "committment issues"?
Signed, The Committed One
Dear Friends~
I always stuck with a one year rule. If they didn’t know what they wanted by then I was done with it. However you have to do what is right for you. If you’re ready to move on in the relationship and they can’t decide it might be time for you to get out. It’s not that they aren’t the right person for you; it’s that they aren’t the right person for you right now. Relationships are more than just falling in love, but timing plays into too. Both parties have to be in a place to commit themselves to the other person. Do what feels comfortable to you.
Much Love,
Your coach
relationscoach.blogspot.com
How long is too long to date someone with "committment issues"?
Signed, The Committed One
Dear Friends~
I always stuck with a one year rule. If they didn’t know what they wanted by then I was done with it. However you have to do what is right for you. If you’re ready to move on in the relationship and they can’t decide it might be time for you to get out. It’s not that they aren’t the right person for you; it’s that they aren’t the right person for you right now. Relationships are more than just falling in love, but timing plays into too. Both parties have to be in a place to commit themselves to the other person. Do what feels comfortable to you.
Much Love,
Your coach
relationscoach.blogspot.com
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I hear my co-worker is getting fired
Dear Coach,
If you knew your co-worker was going to be laid off, should you say anything to them?
Signed, Keeping it on the DL
Dear Friend~
If you’ve come into this information via some sort of confidentiality then I strongly suggest against sharing this information. However, if you happened to find out accidently or something then I’m not so opposed to this. Of course you don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but you also don’t want your co-worker to go buy a big boat when he’ll soon be out of a job. At the same time you don’t want to get into trouble because he freaks out over this when he isn’t even supposed to know yet. If your intent is to help him out then go for it. Just be wise in deciding to do it. Make sure you won’t be putting your job at jeopardy by sharing this information. Also, don’t do it via company email; it’ll be too easy to trace back to you.
Much Love,
Your coach
If you knew your co-worker was going to be laid off, should you say anything to them?
Signed, Keeping it on the DL
Dear Friend~
If you’ve come into this information via some sort of confidentiality then I strongly suggest against sharing this information. However, if you happened to find out accidently or something then I’m not so opposed to this. Of course you don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but you also don’t want your co-worker to go buy a big boat when he’ll soon be out of a job. At the same time you don’t want to get into trouble because he freaks out over this when he isn’t even supposed to know yet. If your intent is to help him out then go for it. Just be wise in deciding to do it. Make sure you won’t be putting your job at jeopardy by sharing this information. Also, don’t do it via company email; it’ll be too easy to trace back to you.
Much Love,
Your coach
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Can't Get a Date
Dear Coach,
I've never had a boyfriend and the last time I was asked out on a date was almost 4 years ago. Lots of men (friends, strangers, etc) always tell me that I'm an awesome person and are always surprised at the above statement. So how come I'm not getting asked out? What am I doing wrong?
Signed, The Coolest Person They'll Never Date
Dear Friend,
It is interesting that you say that men tell you how great you are, but that none of them are asking you out. This leads me to believe that there is something about that relationship dynamic that isn’t working towards a romantic relationship. It is likely that you are a great gal and guys love being around you, but they like being around you like they like being around other guys. Do you often feel like you’re just “one of the guys” or do they refer to you as such? If that is the case and I’m assuming that it is then you have to find some way to not be “one of the guys” any longer. You need guys to see you as feminine who would be a good complement to their masculinity.
There are a few key things to this:
1. Carry yourself like a lady. Don’t slouch or hunch over when you’re talking to them. When you walk be smooth in your motion and not clomping like a construction worker.
2. Have lady-like manners. This would include no burping, flatulence, nose-picking or discussion of bowel movements, etc in front of guys. Of course there are others, but those are the basics.
3. You have to need him in your life. I imagine that from all these years without a man you’ve probably become very strong and independent. There isn’t much in your life that you need a man for besides the relationship type of stuff. Well, that won’t work for him. Even if you don’t need help opening a jar or hanging a picture ask your romantic interest for some assistance. He needs to feel needed and a really easy way to let him know that you do need him around is to ask for little things that require muscle or tools. They need to feel significant and valued just like you do. If you’re using a saw for example let him give it a try or show you some tricks. Even if he’s absolutely awful with it don’t joke or mock him. Complement him even. Don’t like or be unauthentic, just let him know that he’s more manly than you are.
4. Don’t be desperate! At this point you might feel pretty desperate, but you are not. You’re capable of a life on your own, but you want that other half. Enjoy what your life is now and that you have the freedom of only worrying about yourself. Casually let him know you’re interested, but don’t beg him for a date.
5. Ask him out. After you’ve done your best to try these things if you’re really interested then ask a guy out on a date. But for him to ask you on a second date try to show him your feminine side.
In no one am I suggesting you play games (especially in point 3), but I’m giving you tools to attract the man you want. Try these things and then just have fun with life. You are going to find the right guy at the right time for you so don’t stress just yet!
Much love,
Your Coach
I've never had a boyfriend and the last time I was asked out on a date was almost 4 years ago. Lots of men (friends, strangers, etc) always tell me that I'm an awesome person and are always surprised at the above statement. So how come I'm not getting asked out? What am I doing wrong?
Signed, The Coolest Person They'll Never Date
Dear Friend,
It is interesting that you say that men tell you how great you are, but that none of them are asking you out. This leads me to believe that there is something about that relationship dynamic that isn’t working towards a romantic relationship. It is likely that you are a great gal and guys love being around you, but they like being around you like they like being around other guys. Do you often feel like you’re just “one of the guys” or do they refer to you as such? If that is the case and I’m assuming that it is then you have to find some way to not be “one of the guys” any longer. You need guys to see you as feminine who would be a good complement to their masculinity.
There are a few key things to this:
1. Carry yourself like a lady. Don’t slouch or hunch over when you’re talking to them. When you walk be smooth in your motion and not clomping like a construction worker.
2. Have lady-like manners. This would include no burping, flatulence, nose-picking or discussion of bowel movements, etc in front of guys. Of course there are others, but those are the basics.
3. You have to need him in your life. I imagine that from all these years without a man you’ve probably become very strong and independent. There isn’t much in your life that you need a man for besides the relationship type of stuff. Well, that won’t work for him. Even if you don’t need help opening a jar or hanging a picture ask your romantic interest for some assistance. He needs to feel needed and a really easy way to let him know that you do need him around is to ask for little things that require muscle or tools. They need to feel significant and valued just like you do. If you’re using a saw for example let him give it a try or show you some tricks. Even if he’s absolutely awful with it don’t joke or mock him. Complement him even. Don’t like or be unauthentic, just let him know that he’s more manly than you are.
4. Don’t be desperate! At this point you might feel pretty desperate, but you are not. You’re capable of a life on your own, but you want that other half. Enjoy what your life is now and that you have the freedom of only worrying about yourself. Casually let him know you’re interested, but don’t beg him for a date.
5. Ask him out. After you’ve done your best to try these things if you’re really interested then ask a guy out on a date. But for him to ask you on a second date try to show him your feminine side.
In no one am I suggesting you play games (especially in point 3), but I’m giving you tools to attract the man you want. Try these things and then just have fun with life. You are going to find the right guy at the right time for you so don’t stress just yet!
Much love,
Your Coach
Monday, April 19, 2010
From the Beginning
Today I start my new website. This is something I've always wanted to do and it’s something I do often, even when people aren't looking for advice. Some people are passionate about what they eat, what kind of clothes they wear, politics, animal rights, etc., but, I am passionate about relationships. I love watching how they work, change and progress. Some relationships are between two people and others are with multiple people in a group.
There isn't one set formula to make relationships work. Since people are different and they are the fundamental component of relationships it only makes sense that each relationship is different. My job is to understand these differences and help you make the best decisions in your relationships. I'm here to be your coach as you navigate the chaos that can be a relationship. Please email me any questions you have about any relationship in your life. I'm here to help so let me do what I do best. I can't wait to meet you all!
Much love,
Your Coach
coachingrelationships@gmail.com
There isn't one set formula to make relationships work. Since people are different and they are the fundamental component of relationships it only makes sense that each relationship is different. My job is to understand these differences and help you make the best decisions in your relationships. I'm here to be your coach as you navigate the chaos that can be a relationship. Please email me any questions you have about any relationship in your life. I'm here to help so let me do what I do best. I can't wait to meet you all!
Much love,
Your Coach
coachingrelationships@gmail.com
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