Roommates with Dirty Dishes

Dear Coach,

I live in a house with four other roommates. Amazing fellows, all good friends of mine. From personal experience, who your roommates are completely influences, even determines, how nice of an experience it is living at a place. From that standpoint, things are great. However, the boys, despite all their coolness, all seem to have a hard time keeping things clean. I am not the most organized man in the world, so I'm not expecting or even wanting a completely spic and span place. I just want us all to do our own dishes - it's so easy to keep the sink empty if you just clean off your plate as soon as you are done with it. I've brought this up a number of times, I try to bring it up in a nice way that won't cause any friction in our friendships, but it never sinks in. Dishes in the sink (and throughout the house) remain. I've had it. I find myself wanting to bring it up again, but more angrily so that they can get the message. I am tired of always doing everyone's dishes. So, how do I approach these gentlemen. I was close to blowing up at them, but I realized that maintaining an awesome friendship is way more important than burning a bridge over dirty dishes. Down the road, a friendship with them will remain, where as memories of the dirty dishes will fade. Is there a way, though, to help convince them to do their dishes without burning any bridges?

Sincerely,
Done with their Dirty Dishes

Dear Friend,
Yikes! This is a tough situation. I was more likely on your roommates’ side than yours when I had roommates. I just assumed I’d get to it later. However, as I’ve learned that is not the reality. The reality is we’re different in our level of tolerance toward messes. Some people cannot even sleep if the kitchen is still a mess and others (like myself) can go a couple of days without thinking of doing the dishes. This leaves the clean folks a bit frustrated because you feel like you’re the only one doing anything. The messy people don’t see it as a problem because you’re taking care of it as you see necessary. It’s like having their mom around again.

I suggest having a roommate meeting. At this meeting you’ll need to expressly discuss your feelings and how this makes you feel. Don’t blame them or accuse them of anything. Just explain how it makes you feel. See their responses and brain storm on ways to make it work for all of you. Maybe there will be a compromise on a chore chart or only doing dishes every other day. If you have an honest and open discussion with them then you’ll better be able to come to a conclusion that is agreeable to everyone.

Of course you could deal with this passive aggressively, but then there will be no real solution. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Much love,
Your coach

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