Married Step-Parents

Dear Coach,

I am married and we both have kids from other marriages, how do I handle the situation of my step children telling me, "You're not my mom! I don't have to do what you say." I have had many occassions where I am stuck and feel that I cannot punish my step children. What should a step-parent do in this situation?

Signed,
Parents of 7 children that actually made it and are still married!!!

Dear Friend,

Congratulations on making it through so far. It will get easier as the family continues to blend. First though I would say that the step-children are right. You are not their mother and they don’t have that infinite bond to you that they do their mother so they don’t care so much if you’re upset with them. Also, their parents’ split was traumatic for them. Kids don’t want to see that. It’s not easy to experience or understand for them.

There are things you can do to help them respect you and your authority. First, build relationships with them. Don’t become friends necessarily, but build a bond of love and trust. They’re scared that they’re going to love you and then you’ll just be out of the picture too. Assure them that isn’t the case. If you don’t feel that way, then work towards that. You need to love them so they can love you. Second, discuss with your husband how he wants this to work. In the beginning he should discipline his children and you yours. If there is a conflict with one of his children discuss it with him as soon as possible and then let him take action. Third, the two of you should be united on what is and is not acceptable for all of the children. Each set of kids should not have different rules if you expect them to live under the same roof. The consequences should be inherent in the “crimes”. So if you say it then they know it’s the consequence their father would give. Then there is no room for argument.

Of course neither parent should allow disrespect from a child to a step-parent. If the parents put a stop to that then the children will eventually follow course. Timing and love are crucial to making this work. Don’t give up too soon!

Much love,
Your Coach

coachingrelationships.blogspot.com