Dear Coach,
What are good punishments for your children that are caught drinking, smoking pot, or doing any other type of drugs? How do I get through to my children that all of these things are bad and can lead to other and more serious things?
Mom in Need
Dear Friend,
Yikes. That is a scary situation for any mom and it would be so difficult if not impossible to not freak out. With that said, that’s what I’m going to ask you to do. Do not freak out or your kids will write you off as, “Oh brother, mom’s just freaking out about nothing again.” Stay calm, but be absolutely serious, to the point of being scary. After you find out, take the necessary time to regain your composure before freaking out. Even if that means just giving them a temporary grounding until you decide on the appropriate punishment. Once you’re calm sit down and talk with them. Find an emotionally safe place for both (or all three if there are two parents in the picture) of you and simply ask them what is going on and what motivated them to partake in the specific substance. Be calm, loving and understanding of their answers. They might express pain that they’re trying to escape from, they could just be trying to fit in or perhaps it was just a momentary lapse in judgment. Be understanding of how they’re feeling. Of course you know better since you’ve been through it all in your life, but they are trying to find new ground in their life. Help them find alternatives if they are using the drugs to fulfill a need.
As for letting them know how serious drugs and alcohol can be let them know your feelings. Don’t get crazy emotional on them, but just be very specific about how their decisions impact you and what you’re afraid of happening to them. Tell them the serious consequences you’ve seen happen from drug abuse in your life. Don’t admit your own history of drug use (this will only give them permission), but do share in the things you’ve seen happen to friends or family. The more serious and traumatizing the better to get through to them. If the problem is more serious with your child there are scared straight programs in many communities. Expose them to the consequences and be sure the consequences are fair. If they end up in jail do not immediately bail them out. Let them stay for a night and see how they like it. Just as it is with us adults some will learn better from the experience of others and some will have to learn the hard way.
Just remember to always love your child and give them support in their learning process, but do not enable their destructive behaviors.
Much love,
Your Coach
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Inexperienced Lover
Dear Coach,
I'm seeing a guy who is pretty conservative in the bedroom. I am the exact opposite and get bored very easily. How can I address this with him?
Thanks!
Dear Friend,
I'm seeing a guy who is pretty conservative in the bedroom. I am the exact opposite and get bored very easily. How can I address this with him?
Thanks!
Dear Friend,
Well, you need to tell him. Don't make this about something he's not doing or that he's not good enough. The fact you know that you get bored easily means he is not the problem, so be sure you remember that and be sure when you speak to him that he knows that too. Have this conversation at a non sexual time. Don't wait to head to the bedroom and then speak to him about it. Do it over dinner, or while driving in the car somewhere. Just be sure you have enough time for a full conversation. More than 15 minutes at least. Reassure him that this isn't about him, but that you just need a little something more. Understand though that if he truly is conservative he might not be into tricks and games in the bedroom. That might be too weird for him. Work together to find ways to make this work for both of you.
**I hope that by "seeing" you mean that you're in a committed relationship. I highly recommend against flings, booty calls, or casual sex. It's not good for our emotions and our soul. It puts you in a vulnerable place that might be hard to get away from when you decide you're done.**Much Love,
Your Coach
Friday, May 21, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Suspended Child
Dear Coach,
My child got suspended from school today, he said because he was defending his bother from a group of kids who jump on him. I ask my other son and his also back-up the story. I just want to say that my son is very clam mellow child and has never gotten in trouble before. My question is on one hand I do not want punish him for standing up for his brother but on the other hand I do not want to give him the idea that it is ok to get suspended from school. Coach how do I handle this matter?
Thank You
Dear Friend,
This is a very delicate situation. I remember being in school and thinking that suspension was just a forced vacation. How could that be bad? You don't want to punish him for standing up for his brother, but he needs to know that suspension is not a good thing. As a parent this will take more effort on your part, but hopefully it will prevent him from getting into more suspensions. First, have an honest talk with him about what he did that was right (standing up for his brother) and what he did that wasn't right (fighting or whatever behavior that caused the suspension). Talk about how to handle this situation in the future to do what is right, but not to be violent or do those things that will lead to suspensions.
During his suspension you have to take away the vacation element. He should still be waking up at the same time and going to bed at the same usual time. When he would normally be at school he should be doing his school work so he doesn't get behind. If he has completed all of his school work for a given day then he can read the appropriate chapters in his texts books or do additional problems that weren't originally assigned by the teacher. If there is no more school work to do I would suggest taking him to the library to find a book to read. Absolutely no TV or video games during the day. If you're doing work around the house then he can help with that too.
If he normally consumes a lot of violent TV, movies or video games then put an end to that for a time. Take away that negative influence so he can see that it's not acceptable in your home. All of this doesn't have to be a punishment on top of the suspension, but it shouldn't be a vacation either.
Much Love,
Your Coach
My child got suspended from school today, he said because he was defending his bother from a group of kids who jump on him. I ask my other son and his also back-up the story. I just want to say that my son is very clam mellow child and has never gotten in trouble before. My question is on one hand I do not want punish him for standing up for his brother but on the other hand I do not want to give him the idea that it is ok to get suspended from school. Coach how do I handle this matter?
Thank You
Dear Friend,
This is a very delicate situation. I remember being in school and thinking that suspension was just a forced vacation. How could that be bad? You don't want to punish him for standing up for his brother, but he needs to know that suspension is not a good thing. As a parent this will take more effort on your part, but hopefully it will prevent him from getting into more suspensions. First, have an honest talk with him about what he did that was right (standing up for his brother) and what he did that wasn't right (fighting or whatever behavior that caused the suspension). Talk about how to handle this situation in the future to do what is right, but not to be violent or do those things that will lead to suspensions.
During his suspension you have to take away the vacation element. He should still be waking up at the same time and going to bed at the same usual time. When he would normally be at school he should be doing his school work so he doesn't get behind. If he has completed all of his school work for a given day then he can read the appropriate chapters in his texts books or do additional problems that weren't originally assigned by the teacher. If there is no more school work to do I would suggest taking him to the library to find a book to read. Absolutely no TV or video games during the day. If you're doing work around the house then he can help with that too.
If he normally consumes a lot of violent TV, movies or video games then put an end to that for a time. Take away that negative influence so he can see that it's not acceptable in your home. All of this doesn't have to be a punishment on top of the suspension, but it shouldn't be a vacation either.
Much Love,
Your Coach
Monday, May 17, 2010
Difficult Boss
Dear Coach,
I am fairly new to my job and I have trouble relating to my boss. They are pretty hot-headed at times, especially when I missed something or something isn't going as they had planned. There are times when we are able to joke about things together, but most of the time I feel timid about talking to them about anything. This creates two problems: 1) I never feel like I can talk to them about anything, including job related things and 2) whenever something bad happens I feel I need to cover it up so that they don't yell at me. I really don't want to be working for this person for too much longer, and I plan to find something new after I've been here long enough to say "I'm moving on." But what do I do until then to make things go more smoothly for both of us?
I am fairly new to my job and I have trouble relating to my boss. They are pretty hot-headed at times, especially when I missed something or something isn't going as they had planned. There are times when we are able to joke about things together, but most of the time I feel timid about talking to them about anything. This creates two problems: 1) I never feel like I can talk to them about anything, including job related things and 2) whenever something bad happens I feel I need to cover it up so that they don't yell at me. I really don't want to be working for this person for too much longer, and I plan to find something new after I've been here long enough to say "I'm moving on." But what do I do until then to make things go more smoothly for both of us?
Thanks in advance,
Dumped On
Dear Friend,
It sounds like you're kind of getting beaten around at your office. When you're continually beaten down it can cause a loss in self-esteem. My first recommendation would be to find away inside or outside of work to reclaim that confidence. The better you feel about yourself and that you're doing the best job possible then the less likely you are to take things personally. Another way of dealing with the abusive treatment is to develop a tough skin where you don't even let the negative in so it can't impact you. Of course that is easier said than done, but you have to choose if you want to even acknowledge how your boss is treating you.
Another thing to note is that you said you're just waiting for a short while longer until you can leave. If this is less than a year then just remember it's only temporary. This is a stepping stone in your career. Anyone can do anything for a short time. Imagine this as your attempt to walk on coals. If you just stay focused on the end then it won't hurt too much at all. However, if you have a longer time frame or the situation becomes worse then I suggest you speaking to your boss' boss or to the HR department. They should be able to speak to your boss and tone down the situation.
Of course, if it's a mild situation then the best approach to this is to just sit down and speak to your boss. Let them know how you're feeling and that you really are trying your best. It's likely your boss is under a lot of pressure and doesn't even realize that they're putting that on you. A lot more can be solved through open communication than silent suffering.
Just do your best and be confident in the work you're doing.
Much Love,
Your Coach
Dear Friend,
It sounds like you're kind of getting beaten around at your office. When you're continually beaten down it can cause a loss in self-esteem. My first recommendation would be to find away inside or outside of work to reclaim that confidence. The better you feel about yourself and that you're doing the best job possible then the less likely you are to take things personally. Another way of dealing with the abusive treatment is to develop a tough skin where you don't even let the negative in so it can't impact you. Of course that is easier said than done, but you have to choose if you want to even acknowledge how your boss is treating you.
Another thing to note is that you said you're just waiting for a short while longer until you can leave. If this is less than a year then just remember it's only temporary. This is a stepping stone in your career. Anyone can do anything for a short time. Imagine this as your attempt to walk on coals. If you just stay focused on the end then it won't hurt too much at all. However, if you have a longer time frame or the situation becomes worse then I suggest you speaking to your boss' boss or to the HR department. They should be able to speak to your boss and tone down the situation.
Of course, if it's a mild situation then the best approach to this is to just sit down and speak to your boss. Let them know how you're feeling and that you really are trying your best. It's likely your boss is under a lot of pressure and doesn't even realize that they're putting that on you. A lot more can be solved through open communication than silent suffering.
Just do your best and be confident in the work you're doing.
Much Love,
Your Coach
Friday, May 14, 2010
Embarrassing Moments
This blog was started to help us all share in our relationship troubles; to know we're not alone out there as we struggle day to day. Something we thought could be fun and help us all realize how much we're alike in our relationships was to share an embarrassing moment in a relationship. So, we ask:
What is your most embarrassing relationship moment? Or even just a funny embarrassing moment and how did things turn out?
Much Love,
Your Coach
P.S. You can post a comment as yourself or you can post it as anonymous if you would like.
What is your most embarrassing relationship moment? Or even just a funny embarrassing moment and how did things turn out?
Much Love,
Your Coach
P.S. You can post a comment as yourself or you can post it as anonymous if you would like.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tall Girl, Short Guy
Dear Coach,
I'm a 6 foot tall single woman. Most men that I date tell me that they don't care about my height, even if I am taller than them, but for some reason, I care. I don't want to care, especially if the men are comfortable being shorter than me, but I can't help it. I want to be with someone who is taller and bigger than me, I want to feel protected and small. Am I wrong to feel this way? How do I put more focus on who the man is and less on his size?
-Too Tall to Date
Dear Friend,
I'm a 6 foot tall single woman. Most men that I date tell me that they don't care about my height, even if I am taller than them, but for some reason, I care. I don't want to care, especially if the men are comfortable being shorter than me, but I can't help it. I want to be with someone who is taller and bigger than me, I want to feel protected and small. Am I wrong to feel this way? How do I put more focus on who the man is and less on his size?
-Too Tall to Date
Dear Friend,
Oh darling! Be proud of your height. Not all of us were blessed with much so enjoy it. You are definitely not wrong to feel that way. As women, we want to feel dainty and delicate. We also want to feel like our man can protect us from evildoers. And somehow his ability to protect us comes from his size so he needs to be bigger than us. My husband isn't even as tall as you, but I feel save because he's bigger than me. It's strange how that works, but it's just the way it is.
If you are interested in a shorter man that's fine too. But it does appear you still want to be the lady in the relationship and not feel like a big burly man compared to him. If I'm right just make sure he fulfills your need to feel protected. Be sure he won't jump behind you if an attacker comes. Either look for men who are larger than you physically or men that have a larger personality. Someone who will stand up for you in a fight and won't back down in fear. No matter the size of the right man just be sure you feel safe when he's around. Then it just might be right.
Much Love,
Your Coach
Much Love,
Your Coach
Monday, May 10, 2010
Micro Managing Boss
Dear Coach,
I met my current boss about ten years ago (I was 15) when I started volunteering for a few programs she ran. Over the years I have worked for her in a variety of positions, eventually working my way up to managing one of the programs she oversees. While she clearly trusts me enough to put me in this position, I feel like she still sees me as the uneducated, naive 15 year old she used to know. She micromanages every little thing that I do and power struggles with me over every decision I make. How do I properly approach her about this? Or should it not be brought up?
From, Micromanaged
Dear friend,
I would say take it as a compliment that she trusts you so much. Even if her day-to-day actions don't show that she appreciates you then know that her level of trust in you does show that. If you have this great working relationship then I totally suggest talking to her about it. Perhaps it's in her personality to micromanage everyone and you'll just have to get used to it, but if it's bothering you or hurting your feelings then it's time to say something. Here are some tips to help this go over smoothly and productively with her.
Much love,
your coach
I met my current boss about ten years ago (I was 15) when I started volunteering for a few programs she ran. Over the years I have worked for her in a variety of positions, eventually working my way up to managing one of the programs she oversees. While she clearly trusts me enough to put me in this position, I feel like she still sees me as the uneducated, naive 15 year old she used to know. She micromanages every little thing that I do and power struggles with me over every decision I make. How do I properly approach her about this? Or should it not be brought up?
From, Micromanaged
Dear friend,
I would say take it as a compliment that she trusts you so much. Even if her day-to-day actions don't show that she appreciates you then know that her level of trust in you does show that. If you have this great working relationship then I totally suggest talking to her about it. Perhaps it's in her personality to micromanage everyone and you'll just have to get used to it, but if it's bothering you or hurting your feelings then it's time to say something. Here are some tips to help this go over smoothly and productively with her.
- Don't do it when you're really ticked off with her. Wait until a neutral time presents itself to speak with her about it. Or take her out to lunch to have some private peaceful time to bring up the issue.
- Stay on topic. If necessary write down some bullet points of the issue so you don't get distracted by the emotions likely to come up for you or her.
- Explain your feelings. Don't blame this on her, but let her know how you feel when she does certain things. Use the word "I" and not "You" to explain the situation.
- Provide Examples. You might need to prepare a few examples of the things that bother you so she'll be able to recall the behaviors. She might not even know she does it, so if you give her specific examples then she'll be able to understand what it is that you'd like her to fix.
- End on a positive note of what is working. Let her know that you appreciate her trust in you.
Much love,
your coach
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thank You!
Thank you to all of our readers! Your attention and support means so much. This is a learning process for all of us, but providing you all with the best advice possible is our top priority. It would be wonderful if each question could become a discussion. Please feel free to leave comments and suggestions to the questions and the answers. If it's your question then we ask for you to leave follow up questions if you need them. The site now allows you to leave anonymous questions and comments so that is an option if you would like to keep things private. Also, if you have a new question, but would rather not use your email to send it in please leave it in a comment section as an anonymous question and it will be answered as soon as possible. Thanks again for participating and we'll have a new question up on Monday.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Directions for Sex
Dear Coach,
When it comes to sex, I know my body very well. I know what works and what doesn't and I'm not very shy about helping a new guy out and giving him directions. I recently slept with a guy I've been dating for a few months and when I helped him out with verbal cuing he kept apologizing and said he was "off his game". I tried telling him that he did great and I just know women's bodies are all different and getting a woman to orgasm takes a lot more work than getting a man to but I think he took my directions as criticism. He has been avoiding physical intimacy with me ever since. How do I help him to understand that I was not criticizing him, I was just trying to help?
-Confused by directions-
Dear Friend,
First, I will say that men acquire some of their self esteem from their sexual prowess. They feel better about themselves when they know how to please a woman. They often don't realize that all women are different too. What works for one, might not work for another. And women are entirely different than men. We just take more time than men do.
It is more than likely his apologizing came from his new found insecurity. Either he's always been insecure about it or he's never met a woman so secure and confident in bed as you are. Maybe he'd tried all his tricks, but nothing was working for you so he felt like a failure. Perhaps no woman has ever just told him what to do so he felt insecure for not knowing what to do. This is his issue, but you can help him get through it.
To help him you need to sit down at a non sexual time and let him know you've noticed him pulling away ever since that one time. Ask him directly if it's something you did and then discuss how it can be better next time. Perhaps he'd prefer the directions before he's on the road and lost. We're all a lot less vulnerable when we have our clothes on, so that's a good time to talk about it. Also, let him know what he did that worked, what he did right and that you enjoyed your time with him and look forward to more of the same with him.
Sex is a two way street so see what works for him and what doesn't. Through talking it over he'll eventually see that you care and it's not about you criticizing, but trying to enjoy the experience with him.
Much love,
Your Coach
When it comes to sex, I know my body very well. I know what works and what doesn't and I'm not very shy about helping a new guy out and giving him directions. I recently slept with a guy I've been dating for a few months and when I helped him out with verbal cuing he kept apologizing and said he was "off his game". I tried telling him that he did great and I just know women's bodies are all different and getting a woman to orgasm takes a lot more work than getting a man to but I think he took my directions as criticism. He has been avoiding physical intimacy with me ever since. How do I help him to understand that I was not criticizing him, I was just trying to help?
-Confused by directions-
Dear Friend,
First, I will say that men acquire some of their self esteem from their sexual prowess. They feel better about themselves when they know how to please a woman. They often don't realize that all women are different too. What works for one, might not work for another. And women are entirely different than men. We just take more time than men do.
It is more than likely his apologizing came from his new found insecurity. Either he's always been insecure about it or he's never met a woman so secure and confident in bed as you are. Maybe he'd tried all his tricks, but nothing was working for you so he felt like a failure. Perhaps no woman has ever just told him what to do so he felt insecure for not knowing what to do. This is his issue, but you can help him get through it.
To help him you need to sit down at a non sexual time and let him know you've noticed him pulling away ever since that one time. Ask him directly if it's something you did and then discuss how it can be better next time. Perhaps he'd prefer the directions before he's on the road and lost. We're all a lot less vulnerable when we have our clothes on, so that's a good time to talk about it. Also, let him know what he did that worked, what he did right and that you enjoyed your time with him and look forward to more of the same with him.
Sex is a two way street so see what works for him and what doesn't. Through talking it over he'll eventually see that you care and it's not about you criticizing, but trying to enjoy the experience with him.
Much love,
Your Coach
Monday, May 3, 2010
Controlling Guy Problem
Dear Coach,
I have this friend who has a crush on me. He has had a crush on me for about 8 years now and is very open about it. He is a very nice, sweet guy but, no matter how hard I try, I just don't like him as more than a friend. I still want to be his friend but lately, every time we hang out he tries to act like we are dating (ie: holding my hand, wrapping his arm around my shoulders or hips when walking, kissing me goodbye, etc.). I have told him, very bluntly, many times that I want to just be friends yet he continues these things. Is there a way to get this across to him besides flat out ignoring him?
Sincerely,
Girl with a guy problem
Dear Friend,
This guy makes me nervous for you. He sounds really pushy and controlling. Is he trying to trick you into a relationship with him or just force it on you? The fact that it's been 8 years and he's still after you is a bit concerning. Does he have nothing going on in his life? How has he not met other women he'd be interested in before? Although you want to be nice and be friends with him I'd suggest completely cutting him out of your life. He's not hearing your words so let him see your actions and know that it's not going to happen. As hard as it is to be forceful with people this time it's necessary. Before he becomes too controlling stay away from him and cut off all connection. He's not the right one for you and that's okay. Do this for yourself!
Much love,
Your Coach
I have this friend who has a crush on me. He has had a crush on me for about 8 years now and is very open about it. He is a very nice, sweet guy but, no matter how hard I try, I just don't like him as more than a friend. I still want to be his friend but lately, every time we hang out he tries to act like we are dating (ie: holding my hand, wrapping his arm around my shoulders or hips when walking, kissing me goodbye, etc.). I have told him, very bluntly, many times that I want to just be friends yet he continues these things. Is there a way to get this across to him besides flat out ignoring him?
Sincerely,
Girl with a guy problem
Dear Friend,
This guy makes me nervous for you. He sounds really pushy and controlling. Is he trying to trick you into a relationship with him or just force it on you? The fact that it's been 8 years and he's still after you is a bit concerning. Does he have nothing going on in his life? How has he not met other women he'd be interested in before? Although you want to be nice and be friends with him I'd suggest completely cutting him out of your life. He's not hearing your words so let him see your actions and know that it's not going to happen. As hard as it is to be forceful with people this time it's necessary. Before he becomes too controlling stay away from him and cut off all connection. He's not the right one for you and that's okay. Do this for yourself!
Much love,
Your Coach
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)