Dear Coach,
When it comes to sex, I know my body very well. I know what works and what doesn't and I'm not very shy about helping a new guy out and giving him directions. I recently slept with a guy I've been dating for a few months and when I helped him out with verbal cuing he kept apologizing and said he was "off his game". I tried telling him that he did great and I just know women's bodies are all different and getting a woman to orgasm takes a lot more work than getting a man to but I think he took my directions as criticism. He has been avoiding physical intimacy with me ever since. How do I help him to understand that I was not criticizing him, I was just trying to help?
-Confused by directions-
Dear Friend,
First, I will say that men acquire some of their self esteem from their sexual prowess. They feel better about themselves when they know how to please a woman. They often don't realize that all women are different too. What works for one, might not work for another. And women are entirely different than men. We just take more time than men do.
It is more than likely his apologizing came from his new found insecurity. Either he's always been insecure about it or he's never met a woman so secure and confident in bed as you are. Maybe he'd tried all his tricks, but nothing was working for you so he felt like a failure. Perhaps no woman has ever just told him what to do so he felt insecure for not knowing what to do. This is his issue, but you can help him get through it.
To help him you need to sit down at a non sexual time and let him know you've noticed him pulling away ever since that one time. Ask him directly if it's something you did and then discuss how it can be better next time. Perhaps he'd prefer the directions before he's on the road and lost. We're all a lot less vulnerable when we have our clothes on, so that's a good time to talk about it. Also, let him know what he did that worked, what he did right and that you enjoyed your time with him and look forward to more of the same with him.
Sex is a two way street so see what works for him and what doesn't. Through talking it over he'll eventually see that you care and it's not about you criticizing, but trying to enjoy the experience with him.
Much love,
Your Coach
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Us men are tricky beasts. Tricky, because we are deceptively simple. We want to be amazing at everything we do, and we’d like to think that we have some God given talent that makes us so amazing, especially in bed. It’s all pride really, and we should work on that (but that’s our issue). We don’t like anyone telling us that we are doing something wrong, and although “Confused” didn’t mean that way, that’s how he took it.
ReplyDeleteWhat we do like, are women who tell us how amazing we are (there’s that pride thing again). Now you shouldn’t lie or pretend it’s good when it’s not, but you shouldn’t out right tell him what to do either. Use compliments to guide him. “I love it when you do this… I turns me on when you touch me like that” etc. You’re not telling him what to do. You are complementing what he is already doing, and in doing so, leading him in the right direction.
Now this might not be as “efficient” as just outright telling him what to do, but you’ll get there and have a lot of fun in the process. Remember, we want to have sex with a hot, sensual woman that makes us feel like studs we think we are. We don’t want to have sex with an instruction manual.